Tipton, Iowa
“Is this Jeremy Wertzel? Am I saying that right?”
“Well, I actually go by Richie Sexpot. Crowned prince of Tipton.”
“My name is Connie Azcona. I’m calling from Catalyst Records in Chicago.”
“Oh wow, okay. Hi Connie.”
“That’s an interesting name of yours, how did you come about it?”
“Well Connie, it’s a combination of my two favorite things in life! Sex and –”
“– Ha ha. That’s okay Richie, I get it.”
“Rad.”
“I wanted inform you that we received your band’s demo a little while back. We listened to it, and we liked it very much. You guys have this sort of Mötley Crüe meets Poison - irreverent hair metal - thing that we think is really interesting.”
“No fucking way.”
“Way, my friend.”
“So, what are you saying?”
“What do you mean?”
“Do we have a deal or what?”
“Well, Ritchie, we haven’t made any decisions yet. The reason I’m calling because we had a question regarding the submission.”
“Okay, sure…?”
“We’re unclear about the band name.”
“What about it?”
“Your bubble mailer was dropped in the snow outside the studio by one of our interns, and unfortunately your band name was smudged. We tried, but none of us could make it out.”
“You just need our band name?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“We’re called the Two Caesars.”
“I’m sorry, The Tweezers?”
“No, no. Two Caesars.”
“I’m on the street right now. It’s hard to hear.”
“Two Caesars.”
“The Seahorses?”
“I still didn’t catch that?”
“Two Caesars.”
“The Scissors? The El is going by overhead, I can’t quite hear you!”
“Two. Caesars.”
“Two. As in One and Two. And Caesars, as in Julius Caesar.”
“Ohhh. Two Caesars.”
“You got it now, Connie. Plural Caesars.”
“I suppose so.”
“Glad to get that cleared up.”
“Same.”
“So you liked the demo, huh?”
“The demo, yes. The demo we like.”
“So what’s next?”
“Well, it’s just that - I don’t really understand the name – do you mean multiple Caesars?”
“Let me ask you one thing Connie.”
“Sure.”
“What’s better than one Julius Caesar?”
“I don’t know.”
“Guess.”
“Two?”
“Hell yeah! Two Caesars!”
“That just…”
“What’s the matter?”
“Don’t get me wrong, we at Catalyst really like the content on your demo. We get a lot of submissions, and you have a very marketable sound. The songs could use some polish, but they’re catchy. And that’s good. But this name of yours is throwing me off. Two Caesars. What do you mean, Two Caesars? Are they doppelgängers or something?”
“The thing from the weather reports?”
“No, it means a double. An uncanny look-alike.”
“Like a clone.”
“It’s a little different, but yeah - I mean - close enough.”
“I never thought of it like that. I don’t think they had the technological capability to clone back then.”
“No, Richie, I don’t believe they did.”
“I guess the best way to describe it, would be that it’s just like a naturally occurring phenomenon, or some shit.”
“Like the Aurora Borealis?”
“Was he another King of Rome?”
“Let’s move on.”
“Whatever you’d like Connie.”
“Well, we’re thinking of having you come out to Chicago and meet with us. Maybe play some songs.”
“Is something wrong?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know how to say this – and I mean this with all due respect – but Two Caesars is not a very good band name is it.”
“Hell yeah, it’s a good name. My man Julius was an original rock god. And chicks dig the name, man.”
“First off, I’m not a man.”
“My bad.”
“And secondly, it’s not a good name. It’s confusing. It will be hard to market and develop your brand. I’m trying to be honest here Richie. This is my job. Two Caesars, the name, doesn’t fit your sound at all.”
“But it so does, Connie. You see I’m in the bar after our show and I ask the chicks what I just asked you, what’s better than one Caesar?”
“I’m seriously not going to answer that again.”
“That’s where they’d be like TWO Caesars! And I’d be like – girl, let me buy you a cocktail.”
“You’re sure you don’t mean The Twelve Caesars? As in the set of biographies by Gaius Suetonius Tranquillus? That would at least have a sort of historical basis?”
“Nope, Two. T-W-O. I can tell you really got a brain on you, Connie.”
“I studied History at the University of Chicago. I don’t mean to sound elitist about all this, I know this whole glam metal thing is about big dumb fun, but I can’t get past this name your band has chosen.”
“I hope this doesn’t change things.”
“The name of a band is definitely important to us here at Catalyst.”
“Well, here’s what Two Caesars can offer. Our live shows are an experience. Audience participation is a big deal with us.”
“Okay?”
“We got this one song called Toga Orgy Party, where during the breakdown we shout out at the chicks to show us their two Caesars.”
“Oh no. No, no.”
“Two caesars, meaning boobs.”
“And this is something that actually goes on. This is something people actually do.”
“Pretty much every show yeah.”
“I’m speechless.”
“So what’re we looking at here? Like what kind of contract?”
“Like I said, we haven’t made a full decision yet.”
“Yeah, but can you at least give me a hint as to how close we are?”
“Is there any way you guys would consider changing the name?”
“I’d have to discuss it further, you know, with the other guys in the band, but –”
“But what?”
“Sorry, but I’d personally have to say no.”
“You’d say no to even considering a change of the name.”
“That’s right.”
“You’re positive?”
“The name means a lot to us. The name is probably the one thing we just aren’t going to budge on.”
“Okay.”
“But you get us into a studio and we’ll whip you up a gold record in no time. We got the songs, I’m telling you, we just need to get the right dude behind the knobs. Trust me on this Connie.”
“…”
“Connie?”
“This sure is some bad reception…”
“Hello?”
“…you’re…break-…ing…up…I…can’t…”
“I’m sorry, I think I’d be willing to budge on the name after all. Like, I just have my guard up, you know? I don’t want to begin changing things already. I had a friend who was in a band and a label got involved and changed a bunch of things about them, and they lost that spark that made them unique.”
“…”
“It’s just like, I really appreciate all this cause things have been kind of rough lately. Like, can I be real with you for a minute? Playing in a band isn’t as glamorous as I thought it would be. It’s crazy and fun, but we don’t make enough to even pay rent. Connie?”
“…”
“Plus, I’m trying to pay off my college loans. I’m living at home with my parents. I don’t always feel good about myself. And the women we end up with aren’t always the nicest girls. It’s a really weird life style. It’s kind of exhausting. This is such a big break for us.”
“…”
“Connie, hello? Hello? Are you there?”
“…”
Postcard: Found at the Downtown Emporium in Peninsula, Ohio in November 2011.
